I feel like I don't even know myself anymore

So, there are a few things I've capitulated on while planning our wedding. For one, I always said I'd never have a ring bearer and flower girl, because how pointless are they? Most of the time, the ring bearer isn't even really carrying the rings (uh, if Frodo could make it all the way across Middle Earth, surely your three-year-old can make it 15 feet), and the flower girl starts screaming, terrified, halfway down the aisle like someone's making her watch the decapitation of the family pet. I thought both were just pointless traditions people followed because everyone else did (the ring bearing and petal tossing, not the hero's journey and pet decapitation), and I vowed not to give in to the Wedding Industrial Complex and its oppressive, mindless conventions.

Fellowship of the Ring: CJ and CocoThen came my turn...and to my own horror, and in indisputable, shameless hypocrisy, I asked my sister if my niece and nephew could be my ring bearers. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE FRIGGIN' ADORABLE. And that's it. Simply because it was an excuse to buy them fun outfits (orange hi-top Chucks? yes please!) and parade them about like the precious little things they are. Though, in my defense, Coco won't be tossing anything (she's just supervising CJ), and CJ *will* actually be carrying the rings...and not on a pillow, but in a little bird's nest. But still...total hypocrisy. Sigh.

Wedding Convention: 1, Melissa: 0.

Then I was considering self-catering our wedding (DIY taco bar! Easy, right?), but was roundly disabused of that idea by my horrified family, whose job it likely would've been to do said catering. Apparently cooking and serving for 120 frightened them a bit. So we're having food catered in, but...BUT! It's a Korean-Mexican taco cart! How cool is that? So really, we split the point there. Wedding Convention: 1.5, Melissa: .5.

But NOW I'm wrestling with the fact that we aren't having a videographer, especially after watching this amazing video, which I'm sure cost the couple about what our entire wedding will cost when all is said and done. The scenes from their ceremony actually made me cry they were so sweet:

So amazing. Great music, gorgeous photography, poignant documentary style...I always said wedding videos were cheesy and no one ever watched them again after the first time, but a video like this? Timeless and beautiful. Do they sell these at Target? Macy's? I'm so adding "Art Film Wedding Documentary" to our registry.

Of tacos and toilets

Internet, I'm getting married!

Does this explain or justify my absence the past few (okay, FOUR) months? Not really. That I blame on a debilitating case of writer's block and an inexplicable hatred for every idea and sentence that I tried to string together. Also, I moved. Twice. And I'm lazy.

But I digress -- I'm getting married! You are reading the future Mrs. Vander Wilt, blushing bride of one Mr. Damian Vander Wilt (who I would introduce to you online in some form or fashion if he weren't such a social media recluse, hiding behind the impressive facade of his punk rock public service site, the Portland Show Guide). We work together at ISITE and are still blowing minds with the fact that we're getting married. Some lucky coworkers even found out that we were dating AND that we were getting married at the same time. See? Blowing minds.

And no, I'm not pregnant. This isn't a shotgun wedding. We just fell quickly and hard, and didn't want to wait until next fall. Ours is an impatient love. :) But it's also a healthy love, a silly love, a passionate love, and we're beyond happy. Just ask anyone who's had to spend more than a minute in our presence. It's a little disgusting. (Sorry, guys.)

So come September 12, 2009, we'll gather in a wee clearing on my parents' property to publicly declare our disgusting love and devotion to one another in front of our friends and family, followed by the most good-timin' wedding reception seen since the Kolmers' back in aught 2. Now, this is where things get interesting: Backyard weddings are much easier to put on in many respects (no astronomical venue fee! no time limitations!) but a bit more challenging in others (no parking! 100 people sharing one restroom!), and my two major concerns at this point are 1) we still don't have a caterer (we're having a build-your-own-taco bar, which you'd think would be easy, but you would be SO WRONG), and 2) I need to rent a couple of porta potties, but they are laughably expensive. (And I'm sure I don't need to stress the importance of providing porta potties to a group of people stuffed full of tacos and beer.)

Oh, and did I mention that I refuse to pay more than $5k for this wedding? YEAH.

(Related: Adolescent marijuana use is believed to deplete brain cells necessary for healthy cognitive function and decision-making skills in adulthood.)

Something up with which Hitler would not put

Heee-larious:

Ten things about America's Vancouver

When I was 12 and my sister 8, my mom moved us from our rambling, century-old country farmhouse (complete with a big-ass barn and 600 acres to explore) in rural Beavercreek, Oregon, to an apartment in East Vancouver. The schools were better or something. Anyway, even back then, before I knew the first thing about urban sprawl or collapsible tax bases, I remember looking out the window as we drove down the cultural and aesthetic vacuum that is Mill Plain Blvd. and thinking, "This place sucks ass. It's nothing but strip malls and housing developments."

Well, this place still sucks ass. It's still strip malls and housing developments and big-box stores and ill-timed traffic lights and chain restaurants. It's still mind-numbingly soul-sucking in every way.

EXCEPT DOWNTOWN VANCOUVER (where we live). After years of neglect and disrepair, Downtown's experiencing a revitalization and is actually -- dare I say it? -- really, really nice. That said, I thought I'd share a few insights into life in (mostly Downtown) Vancouver. Because, well, it ain't all that bad.

Seriously.

Ten Things About America's Vancouver

1. I like to imagine Uptown Village (the area of downtown where we live) as the Hawthorne/Belmont neighborhoods of SE Portland like 15 years ago, before they were overrun by hipsters wearing skinny black jeans and aviators and acting like fucking self-important assholes when all you did was ask (for the seventeenth time) for a refill on your goddamn coffee while they're chipping their black nail polish and talking to their coworkers about how totally bored they are. With everything. Yes, Vancouver is still refreshingly unpretentious, still genuinely enthusiastic about building community and promoting sustainability and living simply. And after suffering the hostility and hauteur of SE Portland for years, it's incredibly novel.

2. Downtown practically shuts down on Sundays. Most of the good shops and restaurants are closed, or are only open for like 20 minutes. If it were a throwback to more Puritan times, I might find it quaint and kinda charming, but I suspect it's actually just laziness. Just because the Lord rested on the seventh day doesn't mean my only lunch options should be Dairy Queen, Muchas Gracias or Subway, guys.

3. In 2006, I and James and our friend Eric Johnson founded the local alternative newspaper, The Vancouver Voice, which was simultaneously one of the coolest and most idiotic things I've ever done. It's actually still alive and well today, though we don't run it anymore; we bequeathed it to a newspaper family with real money and a real staff last year so we could pursue other activities, like eating and sleeping and not wanting to kill each other all the time.

4. My favorite local character is the Sammy Davis Jr. doppelgänger who rides around on his bike washing people's cars without their permission and then guilting them into paying.

5. We have a phenomenal farmer's market, even if the resident balloon artist dude turned out to be a total pedophile.

6. One of my favorite things to do when the weather's decent (sigh) is walk the Columbia River esplanade up to Beaches or McMenamins and sit out on the patio with a drink and watch the boats go by.

7. Vancouver pre-dates Portland as a municipality by like 20 years, and maybe one of these days Portland will realize this and quit acting like such a prima donna.

8. If you live in Vancouver, you can mock/loathe Vancouver all you want (it's so easy sometimes!). But if you live in Portland, you can shut your fat face and show some respect, bitches.

9. I once heard a ruckus outside our bedroom and looked out the window to find two of the hugest raccoons I have ever seen in my life snuffling around the garage. Huge. Like, pony huge. We make 'em big in Vantucky.

10. The very first Burgerville ever is in Downtown Vancouver, and is old-school get-out-of-your-car-and-order-outside style. They have heat lamps and '80s pop playing on the overheads. It's awesome.

And that's it. I should mention, too, that as much as I'd love to take credit for thinking up this post topic all by myself, I actually got the idea from another blogger. I liked it so much I copied it. I'll also shamelessly copy the way she ended hers, by asking: What sets your city apart?

Satire and one stoned kid

I am so in love with The Lonely Island right now. First, it was "Jizz in my Pants." Now? Now they've given us "I'm on a Boat" featuring T-Pain, and I'm just not sure it gets any better. Here's the video for those of you who haven't yet seen it (or for those of you who have and can't get enough of Akiva in a captain's outfit...me-OW):

(Earmuffs on the kiddies...it's awesomely explicit.)

Then there's David After the Dentist (kid-safe, though it might make older kids suddenly want to go to the dentist):

Real post coming soon. No really.

And what did YOU do today?

For all those cynics and naysayers who said nothing of any substance would change on day one of Obama's presidency, here's just a *short* list of executive orders and memoranda inked first thing yesterday/today:

1. Hours after taking office, Obama's office requested a continuance (a 120-day suspension) of the military commission trials slated to go down this week at Gitmo. All of the military judges involved approved the request, and now Obama's administration has put together a special prosecution team (including David Iglesias, the former US Attorney fired by the Bush administration for not prosecuting politically-motivated cases aggressively enough) to review all of the cases and determine how best to proceed with them...CONSTITUTIONALLY.

Iglesias said, "We want to make sure that those terrorists that did commit acts will be brought to justice -- and those that did not will be released."

I'm sorry, what? That sounded reasonable and humane. Oh, it was meant to be? Oh. Well then. Welcome back, habeas corpus. Welcome back.

2. He drafted an order that would close Gitmo within a year. (And tonight Cheney cries wrenching, snarled sobs into his favorite pillow, stuffed with the bones of innocent babes and the rotting flesh of endangered animals.)

3. He froze pay levels for White House senior staff making above $100k at their current levels for as long as the law allows. "Families are tightening their belts, and so should Washington," said President Obama.

4. In the Executive Order on Ethics Commitments by Executive Branch Personnel, the President decreed that A) no member of his administration may accept gifts from lobbyists, B) government officials may not move to and from private sector jobs in ways that give that sector undue influence over government, and C) hires will be made based on qualifications, competence and experience...not political connections/affiliations. (Wonder if they'll go after Gonzales, Miers, Sampson, et al for the US Attorney firings?)

Part and parcel with the lobbying rules, he banned members of his administration who were once lobbyists from working on matters for which they once lobbied, and aides who leave his administration are banned from lobbying the administration in the future.

5. He issued a Memorandum on Transparency instructing three senior officials to "produce an Open Government Directive within 120 days directing specific actions to implement the principles in the Memorandum. And the Memorandum on FOIA (The Freedom of Information Act) instructs the Attorney General to, in that same time period, issue new guidelines to the government implementing those same principles of openness and transparency in the FOIA context."

In English, this means the Obama administration isn't just talking the talk about being open and transparent, but they're walking the walk, too.

6. Along those lines, and saving the best for last...he rescinded the executive order that would've allowed Bush's heirs (the twins!? shudder) to continue to claim executive privilege and withhold his records from the public. (Cheney's too...double shudder).

Hell of a first day. Oh, and he also called a few Middle Eastern heads of state, you know, to try to get that whole peace thing going.

At the end of the day, I can't help but wonder what McCain/Palin's first day might have been like. Relocating Homeland Security to Wasilla, where they could better keep an eye on Putin's rearing head? Paving over the Everglades and putting up the nation's largest Hooters? Instituting a commemorative one-day 5% discount on rape kits? (Ooh, crossed the line on that one, didn't I?)

Thankfully, that's left to our imaginations (or 2012...triple shudder).

America, F**K YEAH!

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA.

Holy crap.

I have a Pavlovian response every time I hear or say it, but instead of drooling (well, okay, maybe just a little), a great big shit-eating grin spreads across my face. Finally. FINALLY. A president I can believe in and stand behind. Someone who represents and is dedicated to the ideals I believe in; humanity, equity, integrity, intelligence, unity, progress, peace.

A couple of my favorite passages from his speech:

"For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace."

"And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more. [...] To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West - know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist."

Yes. HELL YES. Finally, a president who GETS IT. His speech was incredible. Inspirational. And the Rev. Dr. Joseph Lowery? What a stud. His benediction was genuine, heartfelt, and inclusive of ALL (as opposed to Rick Warren's tribal ode to hypocrisy...bleh).

But forget Warren. He doesn't matter. Obama! President Obama! *drool, grin*

I've never said this before (and make of that what you will, I don't care): I am proud to be an American.