The wheels on the bus go round and round...
Monday, December 8, 2008 at 07:49PM Even with gas back down to reasonable prices, there are still a lot of people riding mass transit with me each morning. A lot. Many of whom I suspect haven't ridden the bus since like 1972, or maybe EVER, because they get on looking like wary gazelles amidst a pack of slavering hyenas (which, admittedly, some riders totally resemble), take their seats humbly, then, emboldened by the fact that no one has mugged or punched them yet, proceed to ignorantly violate every sacred, tacit principle of bus/train etiquette there is. And everyone wants to kill them.
So I thought maybe a tutorial was in order. I want to spare new riders the shame of committing such acts (and the threat of bodily harm), as well as spare seasoned riders the teeth-gnashing annoyance of dealing with stupid new riders. So, allow me to share my list of no-nos (all of which I have actually witness or experienced firsthand). Consider them my Surefire Ways Guaranteed to Make Everyone on the Bus Hate Your Effing Guts:
1. Talk to another rider whom you may or may not actually know. From seven rows away. Especially if the topic at hand has anything to do with the anatomically-explicit difficulties you encountered during childbirth or how you outsmarted your parole officer AGAIN!!!! OH SNAP!!!! Sigh.
2. Repeatedly (and cluelessly) rest your head against the "request stop" strip on the wall until the bus driver has to yell at you that it's "not a pillow" and "if you do it again you're getting off whether it's your stop or not."
3. Spritz yourself with the shitty perfume you just bought from the bottom shelf of the Rite Aid aisle...you know, the kind that comes in a plastic can and has a name like Malibu Musk or starts with "If you like CK 1, you'll LOVE..." and contains more toxic chemicals than Chernobyl. There's a reason it cost $2.99, kids: it's made from badger urine and canned asparagus. And no one on the bus wants to smell it. Ever.
4. Try to sell fellow riders your "just like Lord of the Rings elf pipes," and after that doesn't work, force them to endure a rune-reading. Really? It says I'm strong-willed and destined for fame? Does it also say there that in 3 seconds I'm going to go all Amon Hen on your ass with my pepper spray? Because I am.
5. Invite other people's children to rub your "Buddha belly." There is a phrase for this. It's called "sexual harassment of a minor."
6. Work out the kinks in your relationship...over a poor cell phone connection. "Baby...BABY! YOU STILL THERE? Aw, bitch betta notta hung up on me...OH, YOU THERE! Naw, I didn't call you a bitch...baby, NO! Come on, girl, LISTEN! I CAN'T DO DIS RIGHT NOW I'M ON DA BUS! EVERYBODY BE LOOKIN AT ME!"
7. Stare. Especially at another passenger's crotch (or your own, I suppose, which is only slightly less creepy).
8. Change your shirt. The bus is not a roving dressing room, we are not interested in your flab and fur, and you, sir, are no Brad Pitt. Also, you will inevitably get stuck in an unflattering position while trying to remove your shirt in the manly, sexy manner that you no doubt saw on Legends of the Fall.
9. On a similar note: friends, LEAVE YOUR SHOES ON AT ALL TIMES. Please God. We do not want to suffer your foot cheese, bunions, or cracked heels. This is a CITY BUS, not the goddamn Dr. Scholl's promo tour bus.
10. Eat tuna. Seriously, tuna? In a crowded, humid space? I have never wanted to vomit more while riding the bus, and that is a bold statement.
11. Use your craptastic Nokia cell phone as an mp3 player without headphones. Guaranteed no one else thinks that tinny rendition of "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" is as phat a beat as you do. Along those same lines, your commute is NOT a good time to pick a new monophonic ring tone, unless you wish to get shivved.
12. Sit RIGHTNEXT to someone when there are plenty of empty seats on the bus. If your intent is to hit on the person you plop down next to, a word to the wise: invading their space will not endear you to them in the least. You are doomed to fail.
13. Clip your toenails. I have actually witnessed a person doing this. At one point, a toenail flew through the air (as they are wont to do while being clipped) and landed on an old woman nearby. Thankfully (and sadly) she was too old to notice, but I was sicked out enough for the both of us.
14. Talk to the driver. No matter how nice you are, you are just another asshole rider, and they'd rather just drive in angry self-loathing debating whether or not to end it all by driving into a telephone pole than talk to you about your day/holiday/vacation or the amazing sock bargain you just enjoyed at Walgreens. And just don't even bother asking them any questions about THEIR lives, because you know what? The answer will almost always be awkward, awkward silence.
15. Sing. Oh please, please, please don't sing. Because chances are if you're nuts enough to openly sing on the bus or train, you probably really suck.
And there you have it. Keep these things in mind, or risk a shiv in the back. And with that...I'm off to catch the train. Here's hoping more than 40% have bathed in the last 72 hours.
UPDATE, 9:53am, next day: I'm adding one more to the list based on my experience this morning. If you choose to entertain yourself on the train by playing the awesome new PacMan app you just downloaded to your iPhone, that's cool. But TRY TURNING OFF THE SOUND, asshole. Thanks.
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Reader Comments (9)
These tips are all very good. As a mass transit rider, I would appreciate if everyone not only read but also followed these. I think I would add a tip about showering and washing your clothes regularly especially if you choose to drink late into the night. Also if you smoke, please dispose of the cigarette before boarding the bus. We can all smell the nasty thing and it's not good.
A favorite from my years of bus riding: Place an order for pizza delivery, giving your full name, address and credit card number. Seriously, what was she thinking??
YES Melissa YES!
Love this one. Love it. Number 3 is my favorite. Good work.
CK
Commuting is a truly a lost art. I posted a blog regarding the unnecessary mix of public transportation and personal hygiene in October 2006 that did not include a description of a homeless woman "flossing" herself on the subway platform, but this image lives forever in my memory. Forever. Please make it stop.
bird, i so thought of you when writing this. one dirty woman + the subway + one wet towel = unimaginable horror. i'm glad you lived through it, and continue to fight the good fight.
I was on a NYC subway that was halted in the tunnel for a suspicious odor....they delayed us on the tracks for 20 minutes as they told us police arrived as people started to panic....the suspicious odor? A homeless guy defecated on a seat. Terrorism, go figure.
Oh my.
Well I have to just note that #13 - the clipping nails one...it's very high on my list (like #1 or 2, perhaps) - of 'don't dos' in the office.
Seriously. WTF. Why is that an acceptable behavior in the office, or on a bus? It's perplexing.
Honestly, I am surprised you did not vomit when you saw this on the bus. Oh, there's another one. No vomiting on the bus. At least get off first. Goddamn.
speaking of vomiting! the first time i lived in costa rica, i was on a very hot, crowded, muggy bus full of very drunk people going home after carnivale...and the boy next to me, who couldn't have been more than 14 or 15 years old, PUKED ALL OVER HIMSELF AND ME AND THE SEAT AND THE FLOOR. and there was nowhere for me to go. no escape. i honestly don't know how he didn't set off a chain reaction...the environment was ripe for it. we could've all easily followed suit. ugh. the memory alone makes me want to ralph.
also, did i really just say ralph?
Number 3 applies to ALL places!!